I wish I had the ability to read minds or even translate baby talk because it would be down right hilarious (and often helpful). My husband walks around translating our toddler’s actions in his best Bruce Willis voice like he’s the newest star of Look Who’s Talking 4 (or are we at 5 now?).
Here’s how my toddler’s day went today:
(wake up time): MAMA! Maaaaaaaaa. Maaa!
(swinging back and forth on the crib bar): I feel like a Monkey when I do this. Ooo-Ooo-Ahh-Ahhh. Monkey!!!!! Weeeeeeeeeeee. What do Monkey’s eat? Oh! Bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A! Like that silly song mommy listens to in the car. Now I’m hungry. and thirsty…. MAMA!!!!!!! Where are yoooouuuuu?
(as I walk in the door): Ahhh! You scared me, mom! I think I peed myself. Again. I was just thinking about monkeys and bananas and bunnies. Do we still have bunnies in our back yard? Oh yeah, I’m hungry. Let’s go downstairs. Noooo! Don’t change my diaper right noooooow. DOWNSTAIRS! Maybe if I throw my body towards the door, you’ll understand me. No. Mom. Come on! This sheet is bananas!
(as I change his diaper): Why do you sing to me? You know it’s not going to hold still. I’m like a wild beast. Wild like daddy after he drinks a Red Bull. Weeeee! AHCK! COLD. COLD. COOOOLD! Why must you use those cold wipes on my warm tushie? I don’t care if I have 10-hour-old pee all over me, that is crazy talk. Oh, my favorite song… down came the rain and washhhed the spider out. Up came the sun….
(at the breakfast table): Maybe if I rock back and forth fast enough, I can tip over this high chair and make my own milk sippy. It would sure be a lot faster than what you’re doing. Go drink some coffee and wake up, would ya? Can I have a banana? how about some yogurt? what do bunnies eat? Wait, I don’t like bunnies… I like dinosaurs. ROAAAARRRRRR. Yeah, that’s cool. I’ll roar like a dinosaur. ROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRR!
(while watching Yo Gabba Gabba): I DO like to dance. I AM ready. Go, go, go, go Brobee. He’s my favorite. I’ll show him he’s my friend with a little shoulder roll. He’ll dig that. Especially since he has no shoulders. Oh. Poor Brobee. I’d give him a big hug and lick his face if he were sad and asked for some hugs and kisses. He’d be my best friend. I’m going to hug myself now.
(while playing with 3yo brother): Dude. You really have to stop pushing me. I’m getting bigger, I’m almost as tall as you now and I’ll push you right back. See! Like a ninja. Ninja-quick so mom doesn’t even see me pushing you and then she’ll get mad at you for picking on me. HA! I have you all fooled. Soon, I will rule the world with my dinosaurs.
(while eating lunch): Maybe if I scream they will all look at me. Maybe if I scream at the top of my lungs I’ll finally get that cracker. Cracker. I want a cracker! not chicken. ugh, I give up. I’ll just scream for the heck of it.
(while on a walk): I’m run-ning! I’m running! Watch me go. No, I don’t want to go that way. Is this bunny poop? I wonder if it tastes good… Haaa-aay! Mom! Why did you just knock that out of my hand? Isn’t that hitting? You always say NO HITTING. You want me to be “gentle” and brush my hand on your face to SHOW YOU what gentle means. Not this swatting business. I know! Let’s go this way. No, that way. Pick me up! No. Put me down. Pick me up again.
(nap): I’m not tired. I’m not tired. I’m not tired. I’m not tir……
(playing before dinner): I’m dancing cause I hear music in my head. I’m shaking my booty. TOUCHDOWN! Now it’s time to move some furniture. Why can’t I push this couch? But I can push this ottoman. Let’s… put… it… over…. here. Perfect. Phew. What can I move next? Wait. Dinner? Yes. I was just about to scream for dinner. Fine, I’ll scream anyway.
Come to think of it, I would also want the ability to mute or turn it off.