Reason number 5,367 why you should never take your eyes off a toddler

I’m the first to admit that I’m a mix between a Helicopter parent and a let-your-child-explore parent. Really… it’s a mix or a struggle between some lingering anxiety and having a teaching background.

I repeatedly tell my husband that our toddler is not trustworthy. And only because he’s just that… a toddler — with two older brothers.

I’ve never had to baby proof my house to the extent that I’ve had to in the past two years. It’s like this kid sniffs out danger and puts himself in harms way whenever possible. He is totally a thrill-seeker. Or is trying to fit in with his older brothers. Or he’s out to give me a heart attack. Although, it’s likely all of the above.

Sunday was an extremely lazy day in our house. It was wet outside from raining the day before, half the family was sick with God only know what and I was relishing in the opportunity to get a little work done.

Or so I thought.

Along with being a little daredevil, my child likes to be in the most natural state possible. Which is usually a typical toddler trait.
While I was sitting on the couch, he ran into the other room and quickly shimmied his way out of his zip-up PJ’s – without unzipping them. This happened twice and each time I put his PJ’s back on. (Yeah, I know.)
I then went to the kitchen to clean up the mess from lunch.
Once I finished, I checked my computer then caught something out of the corner of my eye. Like a flash of bright white streaming across the sky.
My toddler not only took his PJ’s off… he took his diaper off, too.

I laughed while yelling to my husband — who was upstairs playing LEGOs with the two older boys. He ran downstairs (with his camera) and we followed our naked little devil into the playroom. Then it hit me. Poop. I smelled poop!

The anxiety kicked in and I sniffed out the missing diaper like a crazy hound dog.

I finally found it. In a backpack, hanging on the door.

My husband took the culprit upstairs for a bath while I disinfected the entire downstairs.

The worst part of it all? I found a straggler — a little turd – yesterday. I had poop nightmares all night last night.

Inside The Toddler’s Mind


I wish I had the ability to read minds or even translate baby talk because it would be down right hilarious (and often helpful). My husband walks around translating our toddler’s actions in his best Bruce Willis voice like he’s the newest star of Look Who’s Talking 4 (or are we at 5 now?).

Here’s how my toddler’s day went today:

(wake up time): MAMA! Maaaaaaaaa. Maaa!
(swinging back and forth on the crib bar): I feel like a Monkey when I do this. Ooo-Ooo-Ahh-Ahhh. Monkey!!!!! Weeeeeeeeeeee. What do Monkey’s eat? Oh! Bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A! Like that silly song mommy listens to in the car. Now I’m hungry. and thirsty…. MAMA!!!!!!! Where are yoooouuuuu?

(as I walk in the door): Ahhh! You scared me, mom! I think I peed myself. Again. I was just thinking about monkeys and bananas and bunnies. Do we still have bunnies in our back yard? Oh yeah, I’m hungry. Let’s go downstairs. Noooo! Don’t change my diaper right noooooow. DOWNSTAIRS! Maybe if I throw my body towards the door, you’ll understand me. No. Mom. Come on! This sheet is bananas!

(as I change his diaper): Why do you sing to me? You know it’s not going to hold still. I’m like a wild beast. Wild like daddy after he drinks a Red Bull. Weeeee! AHCK! COLD. COLD. COOOOLD! Why must you use those cold wipes on my warm tushie? I don’t care if I have 10-hour-old pee all over me, that is crazy talk. Oh, my favorite song… down came the rain and washhhed the spider out. Up came the sun….

(at the breakfast table): Maybe if I rock back and forth fast enough, I can tip over this high chair and make my own milk sippy. It would sure be a lot faster than what you’re doing. Go drink some coffee and wake up, would ya? Can I have a banana? how about some yogurt? what do bunnies eat? Wait, I don’t like bunnies… I like dinosaurs. ROAAAARRRRRR. Yeah, that’s cool. I’ll roar like a dinosaur. ROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRR!

(while watching Yo Gabba Gabba): I DO like to dance. I AM ready. Go, go, go, go Brobee. He’s my favorite. I’ll show him he’s my friend with a little shoulder roll. He’ll dig that. Especially since he has no shoulders. Oh. Poor Brobee. I’d give him a big hug and lick his face if he were sad and asked for some hugs and kisses. He’d be my best friend. I’m going to hug myself now.

(while playing with 3yo brother): Dude. You really have to stop pushing me. I’m getting bigger, I’m almost as tall as you now and I’ll push you right back. See! Like a ninja. Ninja-quick so mom doesn’t even see me pushing you and then she’ll get mad at you for picking on me. HA! I have you all fooled. Soon, I will rule the world with my dinosaurs.

(while eating lunch): Maybe if I scream they will all look at me. Maybe if I scream at the top of my lungs I’ll finally get that cracker. Cracker. I want a cracker! not chicken. ugh, I give up. I’ll just scream for the heck of it.

(while on a walk): I’m run-ning! I’m running! Watch me go. No, I don’t want to go that way. Is this bunny poop? I wonder if it tastes good… Haaa-aay! Mom! Why did you just knock that out of my hand? Isn’t that hitting? You always say NO HITTING. You want me to be “gentle” and brush my hand on your face to SHOW YOU what gentle means. Not this swatting business. I know! Let’s go this way. No, that way. Pick me up! No. Put me down. Pick me up again.

(nap): I’m not tired. I’m not tired. I’m not tired. I’m not tir……

(playing before dinner): I’m dancing cause I hear music in my head. I’m shaking my booty. TOUCHDOWN! Now it’s time to move some furniture. Why can’t I push this couch? But I can push this ottoman. Let’s… put… it… over…. here. Perfect. Phew. What can I move next? Wait. Dinner? Yes. I was just about to scream for dinner. Fine, I’ll scream anyway.

Come to think of it, I would also want the ability to mute or turn it off.

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